On Saturday I had one of ‘those’ days where it felt like the whole world was conspiring to keep me feeling shut out. Every person I called (last minute) already had plans or didn’t pick up their phone (no one picks up their phone anymore and I haven’t released the memo that I am calling more often and texting a lot less). For various reasons It was one of those cry into a pint of ice-cream kind of nights (literally.) It was so cliche I could have been in the latest Jennifer Aniston flick (does she even have one out? I have no idea – but I would have been one of her cheesy, painful characters).
It’s comical to look back, now miles away from those feelings. Thinking back it’s like watching a character being played by me wondering who the hell that chick was. It was so dramatic that when I went to the grocery store to pick up the ice-cream (the only thing I bought) the girl behind the check-out asked if that would be all, my response was (with tears streaming down my face) “Should I get another pint?” She didn’t answer and proceeded to ask if I wanted a bag.
“No, thank you, a bag is not necessary.”
“Do you need a spoon?” she asked kindly.
I considered it for a moment then responded “it’s not that bad, but thanks anyway”
I went home and decided to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix, a T.V. series that was recommended to me four separate times in one week. While the show is phenomenal, I was basically watching the downward spiral of another human completely f*@king up at being a human and it just left me feeling depressed and anxious. I was feeling failed all on my own, so I turned it off and decided to write instead. Random thoughts, mini edits, idle words with no purpose. I basically gave up any attempt at being happy that night and, you know what? I felt really freaking great the next day!
Now, before you throw a pity party for me – I’m fine – there was no major catastrophe, I have a roof over my head, my friends are amazing, I have work, I have food in my fridge, no major accidents or injuries. Just a little burnt out on over-thinking and over-achieving really. Yes, I’m turning 36 in a few days and we all know what happened around last year’s birthday, but actually I’m feeling great about the new number, so no tears around that.
No, sometimes tears don’t need an event. They just need to be released once in a while, for while the world is amazing and beautiful and hopeful and full of blessings….it can also bloody suck! (oh god I hope that doesn’t deem me a failed yoga teacher now too ;))
I am revealing this for no particular reason but to give permission for you, if necessary, to do the same. You see, there’s a whole heap of talk out there about cheering up, learning lessons, being grateful for the bad stuff and being the champion for your dreams. I’m the first to admit – I’m all over that sh#t – clearly! But I have to tell you, I purged on Saturday night and I reckon I birthed Satan (after feeding him Ben & Jerry’s!) and no amount of self-help talk was appropriate.
To be sure, I hardly remember what it was that I was crying about and whatever it was turned into crying for the pain of the world. I was crying of the kids in Africa in war zones, for parents who have lost children, for single mothers doing it on their own, for all the heartbreaks and disappointments and missed family. I think I might have even cried for the loss of my dog jimmy when I was 11years old and our little bird Aussie who we only had for 3 days before he ate himself to an obesity induced death. It was a session I tell you!
It was extremely cathartic and cleansing and I think we should do more of it but here’s the thing, it felt great all on my own. No need to reach out, no need to call a friend, no need to talk and put it out into the world. It was nice to take myself down, ice-cream on my chin and all, all by myself and then – pick myself back up again.
I’ve written about the power of a good cry here, I’m revisiting it again because crying is good. It’s healthy and necessary and so good with ice-cream!